5 : 41 A.M.
Once upon a revelation

Every once in a while, I get a chance to make a big huge ass of myself. The sort of chance you don't stumble into on your own. This time it was a chance to play Mr. Yuck music at a wedding. This wasn't your run-of-the-mill rAdIcAl HiPsTeR joint wedding, this was a traditional with a capital TRA, Christian, tie-the-couple-together-with-a-barely-symbolic-rope, white wedding. (ow! watcha want!) The church personnel kept stopping by to make sure we were still doing it (after I had dropped off a quarter ton of gear the day before) and reminding us that they did not allow secular music in the church. "You need to talk to Brandon about that," was our stance.

Why Brandon, our ex-vocalist and originator of the harsh "screamy" tone of early Mr. Yuck music? Well, because it was his wedding. Yup, ol turbo drinky was getting hitched at the tender age of 26, to (as far as I know) the first girl he'd ever dated. It was also his request that we play there. Now, I'm a little reluctant to participate in such publicly frowned-upon activities as screaming at old ladies or conspicuously breaking the rules of a place of worship, but since Brandon has been through so much with me, and the band in general, I was willing to make an exception for him.

So there we were, me standing with my Peavey 5150 cabinet, its tolex covering looking more and more like some kind of fetish wear the longer it sat there. Kris with his bass and little corsage thingie which we both were branded with upon entry. And Brandon, who had promised his new bride months ago that he wouldn't scream in a band anymore. His new Peruvian, very religious bride, who was sitting directly in front of me. I had to check with Brandon five or six times before I'd turn my amplifier up past 10%. "Are you sure?" "Yes! Turn up!" "Really? I mean, this is a pretty small church and these people are really old." "Do it!"

We only played two songs, which Brandon introduced with a pretty clever spin, I thought. I mean, he said "Price of Purity" was about the difficult times he went through before he turned his life around and found God. (I always thought it was about the inescapable hypocrisy of religion. When I sing it, it's with that in mind. But something tells me that would get it a "secular" label.)

I'm told it was strangely well received. Afterwards, the choir recruiter got all up in Brandon's grill and Kris was swarmed by the resident church musicians, who wanted to show him their gear. I was not approached. (I never am, at shows. Let alone weddings.) As Kris and I cleared the stage he agreed with me that we now officially had no shame.

"Why were you smiling?" Helen asked me later. I was SMILING because I kept looking at Marina (the bride) and she was making this FACE like she was gonna KILL someone. I couldn't help it.

Ed came up special for the occasion. He asked one of the parishioners if it was a "Charismatic" Church. "Oh yeah," he replied, "we got people flying all over the place!" A Charismatic church, I learned from Ed, is a place with faith healings, people falling on their asses after being blessed, jumping up and down, and that sort of thing. How does Ed know about charismatic churches? Well, I think he was forced to attend one in Australia for many years.

Anyway, I was a little unhappy to discover that Ed and I had both got Brandon knives for gifts. Same brand and everything. But then we figured out that Ed got a knife block with many small knives (and space for a big one, not included), whereas I had just got him a single huge one. (my favorite knife, really.) Kris got him a food processor. "What's a food processor?" Eloise asked me.