leave alone

4:02

arrive alone:

april 2 1999 ~10 pm
dad died of heart attack
I was going to call him. Right around then. We have a gig tomorrow, the biggest yet; we were a band replacing the canceled sleater-kinney show. I was making redundant plans for transport, so I was going to call him and talk about driving to the club. Julie asked "why are you doing that?" as I walked out the door, in a very hurt tone of voice. she had 
stayed instead of driving out of town in order to help us. oh. okay, in won't need to bother him then, i said. he was probably dying right at that second. i felt like i needed to call him right then. i was leaving the house because someone was on the phone there.

i stopped walking out the door
 then i started again
and then i stopped, wondering why

When I came home, I had phone messages from mary, and "it didn't matter what time it was, call me". That's when I went cold, and I knew already. 

okay Dad

you know that time when we lived in hawaii, in 1985m and I came home really late, and earlier in the night you had driven your car up the road and a gang of hoodlums had scattered in front of you? And I said I never saw them? Well, I was there, that was me scattering. That's the worst lie i ever told you.

shit

i still owe you

I went to tell Kris, he knows
he did this only 3 months ago

it's only been 23 minutes since the world closed up on me
i don't...have anything now. I'm not a son
I don't have a Dad
There's no one that knows anything about me anymore.
I don't care about anything or anyone

Not like Dad

I never knew how to deal with people in the first place. How am I going to talk to Mary? or Dad's extended family?
everything that comes to mind is so crass, cliche, or meaningless. What Dad once told me about myself:
"You're quiet and weird and it make people nervous." Well, people, I'm going to be quiet still more, because
there's nothing I can say that will mean anything to you right now.