• 12:22 A.M.
  All the poetry is lost

I'm working a lot and I'm learning a lot, and I mean by necessity, not because learning is cool. When I'm done with work I tell myself, "I'm going home and turning off everything that remotely resembles a computer." Then I get home and turn on the microwave, television, and Gamecube. And computer. But I'm working with the computer pretty intensely all day, so when I get home, the only thing I want it to do is entertain me. I don't want to put any work into it. This is a sorry state, my computer reduced to the role of cable television. " "I will create more", I tell myself, "I'll leave some evidence that I existed for this period of time." All I really seem to leave behind is garbage.

This seems to me like a temporary state, like being really tired when waking up earlier than usual. I just need to get acclimatized to working on stuff all day. I think the effort of learning things all day and working out how to use them makes it a little more tiring than usual to get through my tasks. Once I've got a better handle on this stuff, I hope to have more creative energy, or just any kind of energy, once I'm home.

Today was the annual remembrance party for my Dad. He died April 2nd, 1999, so we celebrate on the weekend following, every year so far. His friends are really great people; they're all grown up and have had their kids and careers, but they're musicians and artists, so they keep lively and unusual company. It has been held at the same house every year. They play music like what Dad had playing around the house, and what he played. It makes me sad to hear it. I think of the sad waltz that these same friends played for him at the first wake, the real wake, and it chokes me. Or really, I choke the emotion, which is still so hot and liquid that I can't deal with it in public. 4 years since he died and I still have something new I want to show him every week.